(F) all of the above

Okay, the 64 cent question---so why am I doing this?

Well, I find that if I look long enough and deep enough into my motivations, then the answer is almost always "(F) all of the above". By this I mean that I usually find that there are multiple reasons for the things I do, often many layers deep and sometimes contradictory, from the more overt conscious motivations to the deeper less-obvious influences and manipulations of my unconscious mind. I will try to touch on the ones I am aware of. (Please feel free to suggest others that you think I may have missed.)

First and foremost, I feel that this walkabout is an endeavor to address these deep-rooted primal survival fears and hungers themselves. After many years attempting to destroy, conquer, or escape them, I have come to believe that the healthiest approach for me is to embrace them. Ironically, this often helps loosen their grip over me. So yes, this is an effort to liberate myself from the limitations of my ego, the hungers and fears that control me.

I also see this as an attempt to cultivate inner peace and happiness, as well as other qualities such as gratitude, humility, unconditional love for others and myself, and trust in this gorgeous planet and all of its divinely mundane aspects.

It is a practice in simplifying my life. The sweeping and cleaning themselves are a meditation, often regarding impermanence since the trash will always come back, sometimes the very same day. It is also a practice of karma yoga, a practice of service. (Yes, I embrace my dualistic delusion that streets and parks are more beautiful without the trash.)

Despite being an attempt to unravel the ego itself, I realize that I am motivated by these very egoistic impulses themselves. By taking on robes, I become " a spiritual person", garnering me a certain kind of attention that my ego feeds on. And this is yet another adventure, another bauble to shine on my coat of self-image to make me feel special, and therefore worthy. Maybe there is a part of me that is hoping this will be my 15 minutes of fame.

Besides being a psychological experiment, this is also a social experiment. I am curious to see how people react to me and if I can survive on others' kindness and generosity. (Though I believe that we all already do.)

And hey, I was down to my last few bucks anyways, so why not? And this way I don't have to eat my own bad cooking either.

And it is letting go of all of these goals. Or, perhaps, these are all the same thing...

"Hey Zum, you stay a fool! Cuz what's a fool? A fool knows, but he doesn't tell anyone he knows. So you can't fool a fool!"
---Andrell ("World"), six-pack sermonizing and dishing out some koans