Going Home

Carol died this weekend. Her long hard journey is finally over, and perhaps a new one has begun.

I've been posting announcements on her "Lotsa Helping Hands" web page (a website that helps coordinate support from family, friends, and caregivers) over the last week to give daily updates on her condition. This is the last one I wrote:

Farewell to Carol*
posted by Zum, Saturday, 4/19/08, 8:11 PM

Dear friends,

Our beautiful Carol passed away at 8am this morning. She let go very quietly and peacefully in the company of her mother, Maria Teresa.

Carol bravely struggled so hard for so many years. Her journey for a cure has taken her to many destinations, finally ending up here in Los Angeles, far from her home and friends. And she battled through so much pain. We are glad that she is finally at peace, but she will be missed tremendously. We now wish her much love and light on the journey ahead.

She has received many loving calls from friends over these last few days wishing her well and expressing their heartfelt goodbyes. No doubt, this helped ease her transition greatly.

Carol wished to have her remains cremated. We are in the process of arranging this and hope that it will be done by Monday afternoon.

Again, thank you so very much for all of the love and support you have sent our way.

Many blessings to all of you.

Zum and Maria Teresa


(*A reminder: I have changed her name in this blog to protect her privacy.)


Maria Teresa is of course grieving very deeply for her lost child. At times she becomes overwhelmed by sadness, but the full weight of the truth still hasn't hit her completely because she is still mostly in a state of disbelief. Mostly, I try to keep her spirits buoyed, but I think it is important for her to grieve too. Saying goodbye yet again to Carol at her cremation today was another hard blow, but it was also another step toward letting go and healing.

By coincidence, Carol was cremated today at the same cemetery that my Aunt Rosie was buried in back in October. I visited Rosie's gravesite to say hello and goodbye again, then dropped by my grandparents' plot to give my regards as well. I find it so very humbling to wander amongst the thousands of gravestones, pondering others' lives and deaths. I also feel very relieved to be reminded how small my life is in the Big Picture. We experience reality so subjectively that our own lives seem so hugely important. But a nice dose of objectivity helps remind me that my life isn't such a big deal after all.

So what's up with all this death lately? I remember way back when I began this walkabout, my very first rest stop was at the Pleasant Plains Cemetery in upstate New York where I meditated upon death for a while. I had no idea that I would be dealing with so many deaths over the coming months. First there was the murder of the homeless woman Terry Wendover that I met in Poughkeepsie. (Another homeless woman, Iris Rogers, was also killed a month earlier.) Then my Aunt Rosie died in October at the age of 90, prompting me to return to the West Coast. Then there was the murder of a homeless man in Venice in March. And now Carol has passed away after a couple of agonizing months here in Los Angeles.

So am I supposed to be learning something from all this? I think I already understand that life is merely an ephemeral flash of grace. I've meditated on public cremations at my monastery in Thailand and observed funeral ceremonies in other countries as well. I was at my father's bedside for his last breaths and now I've been with Carol during her dying process. And I truly understand that zumday it will be my time to turn out the lights and call it a night. All things change. All things come to an end.

Many Buddhist traditions believe that if one truly understands the nature of impermanence and integrates this understanding deeply into one's being, then one will become liberated. The vagaries of life will then be experienced as no more (and no less) than variations in the cosmic dance of constant Change. But I guess I haven't integrated this understanding deeply, for I'm certainly not liberated.

Or maybe I'm "supposed" to learn just how incredibly valuable each life really is. Maybe I'll remember better what a blessing each smile, touch, laugh, and even temper tantrum really is. But for now, I don't really know if I've learned anything at all. I don't know. I don't know. I just know that I'm exhausted and want to sleep for a week.

And yet, I can already hear the wise guys laughing at me now: the Taoist sage chortles, "You can never die!" and the zen master chides "And you were never born!" as they swap swigs from a big bottle of Absolut.....wrapped in a plain paper bag, of course.

Just like everything else.



"In order to die peacefully, we will all be called upon to let go of everything."
---zen monk Doshin, giving a teaching in Boulder, CO

"All compounded things are impermanent. Strive on with diligence for your liberation."
---the Buddha's final words

"It's only life, after all."
---the Indigo Girls

"He is just away."
---epitaph on the tombstone of William Henry Brown at the cemetery where Carol was cremated

"Short term goal: Get back home."
---one of the last things Carol wrote in her notebook (hopefully, she is on her way now)